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Blog #4

Do you know who does the chores at our house? The big people. Lewis and I hold the responsibility of doing everything. Even cleaning up THEIR toys. THEIR messes. Putting THEIR clothes away. And we will never, ever demand our kids to do something that we do not do. If you want your kids to do something? Model it. Immature brains HATE hypocrisy and double standards. They find it hard to grasp doing something that they don't see modeled. It's so much more natural to follow a leader. And I was raised in a house where I could be disrespected, but I couldn't disrespect. I couldn't follow my leader. I had to do different things than them. I had to do what they said to do. Always. Even if it didn't line up with anything and changed constantly. Where kids and their immature brains are concerned? That doesn't make sense. And when things don't make sense? Brains don't feel safe. And when brains don't feel safe? Development can be hugely stifled, and behaviour problems can take a whole whack of directions. Modelling is THE greatest educator. No competition. AND. There's a sweet spot. Usually in the toddler years (18 months to even 5ish). Kids LOVE TO HELP. But they're slow. They ENJOY "chores". But. They want to sweep things everywhere, because piles are hard to produce when your motor function isn't great. And. They want to take all 50 pieces of laundry out of the washer 1 by 1. Because their brains work in simple ways. And they want to take the garbage out. Slowly. And they get so frustrated when they can't carry it as easily as you can. And they cry! Because they need help regulating their frustration! "Oh my gosh. Just let me do it. You're getting too frustrated." "You're taking too long. I'm going to finish it this time. Maybe when you're bigger." Sound familiar? Only problem is? You're teaching your kids that these things are judged HARD. They're WORK. And they're not fun and need to be done as soon as possible. So we can get back to real life. And it just may be that YOU see things in this light. In our house? There aren't chores. There's a house that needs to be (somewhat) maintained 😂 And we are a family team. Everyone can help. Always. But Lewis and I hold only ourselves responsible. And the kids know they have the freedom to always say no to helping. And we've had to face a lot of inner work following through with this. I can't do as much as I'd like to in the run of a day with kids everywhere. And here comes my story. I always have a story. Basically once a week, I do a hot wash of towels and cloths. It's a big one. And I know it's time to do it when there's just an overabundance of cloths and towels everywhere in all the baskets and counters and floors. So I'll announce that it's time, and we take a super long time going to all the rooms fetching all the towels and it's kind of a blast. And the kids make a big pile and we load it in the washer. They pour the liquid soap in the top, usually getting it everywhere but they get better every time. And then we watch as the front load washer washes them all. It's Desmond's favourite part as Everett says. We'll sit there together. Watching them spin for like 20 minutes. Seeing if we can "see each of the towels we put in!" And then the kids find something else to do. So today. I was planning to do a towel load this afternoon. But at 10:30am, Everett was walking around the house and announced, "Towels are everywhere. I want to do a towel wash." So I was all for it. I said, "Let's go!" And he stopped me. NO. Just Everett. "Okay. I can respect that. Can I help you find towels from our room?" NO. So I watched. (Without affirming or "good jobbing" by the way. That only instills a reward mentality/ extrinsic motivation, which is not what I'm going for here. More on that later). Until. Zalie said, "Zay-zee help!" Everett: "No. Just Everett!" Panic. What do I do. Okay. So I thought out loud. Collaborating and problem solving with my 3 year old and almost 2 year old. Like I do about a dozen times a day. "Hmm. I hear that Everett wants to do the towel wash. Just Everett. But we are a family team. And everyone can help. We can ask Zalie if she can respect your doing the laundry by yourself." It didn't go well. It was hard for Everett. But I had to hold that line, that everyone can always help. Remember my generous post? About how the generosity needs to be tamed in our household? So does helping. It's crazy. They ended up agreeing that Zalie could bring towels to the pile, and Everett would load them all and do the soap and press the buttons. Zalie said she could "beb-bect" that. And I just died. And you know what? Once their brains develop more? And empathy is in full swing? I don't think Zalie will mind Everett doing it all alone. You know? But toddlers? Their brains CRAVE control. It's how they function and develop the best. So it worked. And I'm here on the couch folding the towels that my 3 year old washed today. He sees me to laundry almost daily. And WHENEVER he wants to help, I let him. Even hanging clothes on the laundry rack that I have to redo after he's asleep. Washing dishes that Lewis has to rewash after he's asleep. This is how we do chores. We do them together. And we take forever. So that down the road, (or apparently when they're 3) they'll see something in the house that needs doing, and DO IT. Because they're part of the team. And they feel important every day. They're not employees bossed around. We all do everything. Together. And it's how it'll always be.

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