Blog #3
So we have an 8 month old next week. He loves scooting and spinning, and he's so eager to stand by himself. He laughs and laughs every time he feels himself support his own weight, while holding onto our fingers.
Now here's what Lewis and I are not going to do.
- We will not demand that he stand right now and tell him to do so, by encouraging him and telling him that it's going to help him walk later on!
- We will not punish him because he can't stand all by himself yet.
- We will not hold his body up, then let go immediately, only to have him fall down and cry out in pain. And we will not do this continuously until he FINALLY stands.
(Which come to think of it, we could convince ourselves that this technique worked, after a few brutal weeks of "discipline". Because he WILL stand on his own. And we could tell ourselves that it was our discipline that made it happen. But we would be extremely wrong).
His body will be able to support itself when it's ready. There's no need to "teach him". Just give him safe space and an environment to move his body.
Here's the thing, though.
How many parents believe it's their duty to discipline their kids into being kind and generous?
Are you "teaching" your kids to share?
Are you holding yourself responsible to punish and shame your kids out of selfishness?
We understand how bodies grow and build muscle. We can't discipline weakness out of bodies.
Well there are many emotional and psychological milestones that work EXACTLY like this.
Seriously.
When we see our kids not sharing with other kids, at a playdate or with their own siblings, we may think, "Ahh!! I have to start teaching them to share more and withholding this and withholding that. Oh no, they're too bossy, I have to punish!"
But guess what? There is NO hardware in our brains for sharing until certain psychological milestones happen first. (Just like there is no hardware in our brains for walking until certain physical milestones happen first).
Queue personal experience:
We have a vehicle box in our living room.
It holds some vehicles that are Everett's, some that are Zalie's, and recently some that are Desmond's.
Desmond doesn't care if Everett or Zalie play with his.
Wow! He must be so good at sharing right?
No.
Complete unawareness of things that come and go in front of his eyes is still where we are. He likes it while it's there and couldn't care less if it disappears.
But soon? The concept of OWNERSHIP will develop in his brain.
One day soon, Desmond will be playing with a toy, and Zalie will snatch it, and he will BURST into tears.
And then soon after, he will KNOW that the red Oball Car is HIS. And he will ROAR when he sees Everett playing with it. And I will say, "Yes!" inside because I know this is GOOD. We are getting closer.
Zalie just turned . She's the one who sees my water bottle and immediately brings it to me. Or sees Everett's blueberry ball and brings it to him. This is an important milestone. The concept of Unconditional Ownership. And it's where Zalie is.
She understands that certain things belong to certain people (including her and her own things!). It's amazing. And encouraged. IT'S NOT BOSSY.
Selfishness is - believe it or not - an important stepping stone to sharing.
Once toddlers can rest in the knowledge that things BELONG to them, they will start to experiment with sharing.
When will Desmond start to walk?
When he's ready.
When will your child start sharing?
When they're ready.
Understanding and trusting Unconditional Ownership is a precursor to sharing. If a child cannot rest in the unconditional ownership of something, their brain will not feel safe to advance to sharing that thing. The brain will be stuck seeking ownership of something. Which is why some parents find their older kids bossy and "selfish". They're likely STUCK.
They're likely stuck seeking ownership of something.
Anything.
Do you let them unconditionally own anything? Or is every item they "own" allowed to be taken from them or forced to be shared?
They are likely the kids who are seeking control over ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING all day long.
(Which consequently may make you try harder to control their belongings and limit their ownership, because they NEED to learn. But unfortunately, that will only force their brain to be more demanding and seek HARDER to own just any single thing!!!!)
Queue power struggles. All the time.
I remember one of Everett's first times voluntarily sharing his toy with Zalie. She started to have a lot of fun with it. And then Everett changed his mind and demanded it back.
This upset Zalie of course, but I held space for her tears and we respected Everett's toy and his conditions for her playing with it.
Many things are learned here.
Zalie is being taught that we respect ownership. So down the road, she will grow to trust that HER things will be respected too. This is helpful and encourages HER brain to thrive and develop. EVEN THOUGH SHE CRIES! NO WAY!
And Everett can continue experimental sharing, at his own pace and risk, because his brain can still rest in the ownership of his things.
If I demanded that Zalie have a longer turn? I disrupt Everett's development and make it all about OUR relationship. I use my big person control to steal his. This never bodes well for keeping little brains feeling safe.
If I interfered with more sharing rules, the sharing skill will develop, but likely as a survival based skill. Meaning that it's associated with MY approval. MY happiness. MY control. And ultimately, they depend on me, their big person, for survival. So they will obey (when I'm around...) And then maybe later put up a STINK about the red plate at supper time.
See if I stood Desmond up, and let him go only to have him tumble, and continued several times a day, as a "standing lesson", he will likely develop an intense fear of standing. Legit. If I did it enough times in his current development phase, his body will likely release stress hormones upon standing, just to help his body brace itself for that fall. If I wait another couple months, he'll likely be doing it all by himself. No matter how many times I help him practice.
That's how the body works.
And if you never tell your kid to share?
Or if you never encourage them to share their toys?
Guess what?
They're still going to share.
If they have very little that is unconditionally theirs, you may not see that spontaneous sharing until they're older, maybe with a romantic partner or a trusted friend.
But they WILL spontaneously share. It will likely be something that they trust is theirs. And it will only happen when their brain feels safe.
"Instead of training children to meet the expectations of adults, we should be training adults to meet the psychological and emotional needs of children." -Z.Tolman
